ennaeitnua

28 days until you know what!

AA — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 20:53:57 +0000

The siblings are gone once again. Sigh. And it’s back to school tomorrow. I have about 6 chapters of an immensely boring book to read and make a powerpoint on. What fun.

I’ll be updating my playlist with Christmas songs soon! I’m so tempted to just make the whole playlist Michael Bublé’s album Christmas. His voice is glorious and the album is wonderful. But I won’t. Be prepared!

Blissful

AA — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 07:31:14 +0000

Yes. Blissful. This week is just that. Usually, my school only has 3 days off for Thanksgiving, but this year they decided to give us a whole week. It’s been wonderful. No school. No homework (well…). No school!!! This is what I need. School makes me so unhappy, it’s ridiculous. I want to be done with school. I never imagined there could be so many self-absorbed people in my school. It’s mindblowing really.

I love the holidays. My siblings come home from college, everyone’s together, and it’s all so marvelous. But then they leave and I get sad because I’m all alone again and then it’s back to prison. I’m getting restless again. Maybe it’s the fact that the week is almost over and then I’ll have to go back to that lovely place again. Or maybe it’s because I’m unhappy. I don’t know what I want. It’s so frustrating. Oh so frustrating.

Posting on a Monday night

AA — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 01:30:00 +0000

I have come to the conclusion that every girl has some sort of ‘bitch’ look; whether it be mild or scorching. I think my bitch look has been slipping lately because some guys actually try to talk to me now. Kidding. No guys talk to me, apart from the ones in my classes. I’m (ahem) somewhat fine with it because high school boys are gross, in every sense. I think my BL formed as a defense mechanism against the creepy guys that inhabit my school. I guess it extends past the guys seeing as how random girls are always trying to stare me down in the hallways. Which is exactly the reason why I avoid making eye contact with people in the hallways. It’s just so awkward meeting the eyes of people I don’t know, or worse: people that I do know but have grown apart from/were never close to. And then there are always some people who actually seem to go out of their way to try to make me meet their eyes in the hallways. I don’t really know how to explain it loool. Point is, hallways suck and I should ~~probably~~ never give up my BL ~~so I can have more friends~~. Honestly though, I have been trying to tone down my BL. I guess I’ve been doing it for so long that I do it even when I don’t mean to. I wonder if people find me intimidating. I’ve been trying to smile more. Though I usually end up thinking about a funny memory that makes me laugh out loud, which makes me look kind of crazy, especially since I walk by myself. trololol

Yeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, this post makes me sound like a really conceited bitch. I’m really not conceited, or a bitch, but I can be really surly. I’m pretty surly most of time lol. I’m working on that though. Anyway, excuse the curse words in this post~ I try not to curse. Emphasis on try. Lately, all I want to do is eat and sleep. School is boring, as usual. Same goes with life. The woes of a 17-year-old living in the suburbs.

Bubble Life

AA — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 04:45:36 +0000

I truly feel like I’m living in a bubble sometimes. This bubble is strange. It’s a bubble where classmates make wishes on 11:11 and say stuff like, “is it Facebook official?” A bubble where 15-year-olds get brand new cars for their birthdays. A bubble where the major things being discussed are about so-and-so’s new girlfriend or so-and-so getting drunk at a football game. A bubble where being in advanced classes automatically deems you intelligent and better than those who aren’t. Superficial. Trivial. Prattle. Drivel. I can’t say I’m immune from some of these things though. It’s hard not to get sucked into it.

Listening to some of these conversations and observing what goes on around makes me feel like I’m underwater sometimes. Under the sea.

Slacker Extraordinaire

AA — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 03:14:26 +0000

Let’s all have a quick celebration for the fact that I am posting on a weekday! I ended up not reading my lovely 400+ page book (is that even a surprise?). I was about 2 pages in before I discovered that the book did not have quotation marks. I then switched to another book without hesitation. I made it to about 15 pages before I quit. I think I did alright on the Independent Fall Reading Assessment we had to write about the book yesterday lol.

Today, my 1st period teacher passed out letters and congratulated those who got one. I did not receive one, and I didn’t really care. She said that it was possible that there were still more letters coming in. I shrugged and went about on my assignment. I wasn’t paying much attention to the assignment or my surroundings when my teacher gave me a letter some minutes after she had passed out the other letters. Apparently, some assistant had walked in while I was being oblivious and gave my teacher more letters. I was actually really surprised lol. So…yeah…I have met the first criterion scholarship for membership in the National Honor Society, which is a pretty big deal. Honestly, I’m not even sure how this happened. Oh well. This letter doesn’t guarantee that I’ll be a member, and I probably won’t.

I just read the letter and took a look at the NHS website for my school. Here is the criteria that must be met:

I actually laughed while reading this. For one, I don’t even know what my GPA is. I think it might be higher than a 5.8, but, hey, what do I know? Second, I am barely in 2 clubs. I’ve only been to one French Club Meeting this year. I have recently joined the Civil Rights Club (a rather misleading name to those who don’t really know what the club is about LOL) as a Graphic Designer. The leadership position for the GD Team was kind of thrust at me, but I don’t mind haha. I was not in any clubs freshman and sophomore year either. And third, I am holding only one leadership position, which I’m not even sure is that official.

I have not done 4 activities of community service hours, much less 2. The only thing I’ve done was my volunteer service at the local library 2 summers ago. So all in all, I meet less than half of the criteria lol. And to top it all off, I am the definition of a slacker. It’s ironic because I have this poster about not being a slacker hanging on my wall. I really like the poster though.

I will go to the mandatory meeting on Thursday and go through the application process and whatnot, but I won’t be holding my breath. Well, I’m off to ‘study’ for my history test tomorrow lololol.

Let’s fly, let’s fly away

AA — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 19:04:35 +0000

“A lot of parents will do anything for their children, except let them be themselves.”

I honestly strongly dislike my parents most of the time. I know it’s horrible of me to say, but it’s true. My parents are irrational, unreasonable, quick to judge, and so many other things I could sit here and list for hours. I don’t like this house. I don’t like this city. I don’t like this state. I just want to get out of here. It’s become almost oppressive lately. My parents tell me I have an attitude. Okay. It’s hard not to have an attitude when my parents think they know everything and never want to listen to me. They don’t want to understand. They only want to see it their way.

It’s hard to be myself here. My parents still hold on to many of their old ways, despite living in American for so long. Growing up in America, I’m obviously going to see things very differently from them. I don’t know when they’re going to realize that high school is not the same as it was back in their country God knows how many years ago. Anytime I try to broach some topics with my parents, I just end up feeling extremely angry and more bitter after the whole thing is over. I love my parents, but I don’t want to be anything like them. I can’t stand my mother as a person sometimes. While I have a ‘better understanding’ with my father, he can be so…I don’t even know. I feel like slamming my head against a wall when I ‘talk’ to them most of the time. Because of that, I mostly try to avoid talking to them. I’m grateful for what they do for me and I know they’re not perfect, but that’s not going to change my feelings about them.

I guess this should be my motivation to do better in school. So I can hightail it from this place to a college many, many miles away. The last thing I want to do is go to college in Texas. I mean, hell, I don’t even care about college that much, but if it means taking me away from here, then I’ll be like those college crazy kids in my school. I’m unhappy here, and I don’t think my state of happiness will be changing anytime soon.

Anyway, this post is probably full of a lot of errors, but I don’t care because I have a wonderful 400+ page book to read before tomorrow that I’ve been putting off for weeks now! Exciting!

Say my name!

AA — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:31:04 +0000

So, basically, I don’t exist in the blogging world during the week. I’m too lazy, too busy, and too annoyed with school to update my blog (mostly lazy). And the weekend is way too short for me to recuperate from this prison called high school. Junior year sucks. I’ve had a C on every report card so far. I will never get into Harvard now…LOL

I just realized what a burden my name has become for me. 4 letters, 2 syllables. It’s the simplified version of my full name, but people still have a hard time pronouncing it – which is fine, if I’ve just met you. It’s definitely not OK if I tell you how to pronounce every other day for weeks on end. I used to not like my name. I wanted a simple name that I didn’t have to repeat 8 times for a person to get it. I wanted a name that people didn’t ask me how to say my full name (this annoys the hell out of me). But gradually, I came to like my name. It’s unique and pretty darn awesome tbh. While I like my name and all, it’s become ridiculous that I have to repeat it multiple times, in a span of weeks, and sometimes months for some people to pronounce it right. IT’S NOT EVEN THAT HARD TO PRONOUNCE.

I still have teachers who have not gotten my name, no matter how many times I sound it out for them. School started in August, mind you. At this point, I don’t even bother correcting them. I will never be able to work as a waitress because my customers will never remember my name. My bosses will never pronounce it right. Maybe it won’t even have anything to do with pronunciation. Maybe they’ll just call me a completely different name altogether. And maybe (cue tears)…maybe they’ll just say, “hey, you.” My name is basically the only interesting thing about my nondescript self and some people will just never get it.

It makes me very sad.

/sad lyfe

It’s been a while

AA — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 07:32:01 +0000

It’s a horrible feeling. I take a breath and I feel like there’s a gaping hole inside of me. It’s been some time since I felt like this. I feel unsatisfied. This restlessness is almost too much to bear. I need excitement. I need motivation. I need…happiness.

These thoughts will be the death of me

AA — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 01:13:07 +0000

I expect too much. Out of situations, out of people…everything. I don’t even know why I bother sometimes.

There’s this rather notorious guy at my school and let’s call him LK. I found out about him towards the end of Sophomore year because of some of my friends who think he’s just the hottest thing on the planet (cough…which he is). And thanks to *some* Facebook stalking, I found out even more about him than I ever thought/hoped I would. I’ve had my FB deactivated for a while now. I give in to my urges every now and then and reactivate it, but quickly deactivate it after. But for the most part, it stays deactivated -to prevent me from building up on the stalker tendencies lol.

Anyway, the first time I actually encountered LK was at Walmart, a few days before school started. I was getting school supplies but was in the nail polish section at that time. I heard some girl yelling so I looked up to see a guy running somewhere. It was LK. We made eye contact for like 5 seconds. I was really surprised and extremely happy because of that, but it was also extremely random. Ever since then, I’ve been having random encounters with LK which consist of lots of eye contact. Before I got a schedule change about a month ago, I used to see him at least once a day. Now I’m lucky if I even see him once a week. I think I’ve been expecting to see him too much this week, which is probably why I haven’t see him. I try to comfort myself with the thought that maybe he got in some kind of trouble, as bad that sounds lol.

I don’t know why I’m so fixed on him. His reputation isn’t exactly the greatest. He’s a senior (forgot to mention that) and I’m just awkward. I can’t imagine myself in a relationship at all. Like, who the heck would actually like me and want to be with me? Lol, no. I don’t want to be in a relationship in high school anyway. But I always daydream about me and LK having some kind of fling, or attachment. Sigh, I’m completely infatuated with a guy I don’t even know that well. After the Walmart episode, I kept trying to tell myself that I didn’t have a crush on him and that I just thought he was really hot. Well, there’s not point in denying the truth now. I just need to let go of him, of these silly fantasies, because it’s never going to work out. I am massively inexperienced about this kind of stuff, but ‘experienced’ at the same time, if that makes any sense. I’ve always thought about making the first move, but I quickly douse that thought with kerosene and light it on fire.

I don’t usually ‘lose my head’ over guys. This infatuation is kind of surprising to me. I had a dream about him yesterday, which is what I think spurred all this on. That dream made me feel too happy. It gave me too much hope. I think it’ll be good that I don’t see him anymore. I’ll just have to get over him, however long that might take. I do think I’ll get over him in time…that is if I don’t see him at all. God knows that the slightest glance of him will bring me back to square one again.

Ready for Winter

AA — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 03:03:06 +0000

For some reason, I’m excited for winter this year. I’m ready for the cold, hot chocolate, the sweaters and boots, and surprisingly, Christmas. I’ve been very meh about Christmas for the past couple of years. I don’t know why I want Christmas to be here already. It’s only October, and some stores already have Christmas stuff out lol.

I’ve been very interested in fashion lately. Though, not as much as I was before school started, of course (school kills everything). Before school started, I went through my house looking for old (and new) clothes. I went through my mom’s closet and found lots of stuff there, some of which she was reluctant to give me, but gave them to me anyway because she loves me. Before my sister went back to college, she brought a bunch of clothes to my room and told me I could have my pick. I found lots of great things in the pile too. Some of them still had price tags on them. I even got some of my brother’s clothes, which he doesn’t know about because he probably doesn’t remember that they exist. I didn’t spend a lot of money on back to school clothes this year and it’s made me realize that having new clothes for school doesn’t matter much. I still got a few new things but not as much as the past years.

Towards the end of the summer, I cut up a lot of things. Old jeans, shirts, anything I could experiment on. I planned to sew during the summer, but I have yet to get out the sewing machine. I made old jeans into shorts and shirts into tank tops. I recently made an old skirt into a sleeveless cardigan. I’m not sure how much I like it though. I think it would look better as a scarf (it has bright stripes of different colors). But yeah. I’ve been spending time on polyvore and lookbook, getting inspiration and seeing what I could do with my limited closet. My closet space is too small also. And I don’t even have that many clothes…well, my mom would beg to differ, but I honestly don’t think I do. In comparison to the average teenage girl’s closet anyway. I do realize that I have ~enough clothes, and I’m thankful for that. I’m also not one of those people who try to deny that they don’t have a lot a clothes when they do lol.

Ugh, I’m too poor to want some of the things I covet. Like the closet in this post, for example.

I updated my playlist today. 16 songs, all instrumentals. Take a listen, you might enjoy it :)